Understanding the Reflection I see each day

“When you feel low.. write what comes to your mind.”

“But I can’t write… that is the one thing I know I can do very well, but I am yet unable to do so”

“You have worked mighty hard in life. Now is the time to take it a bit easy and relax. Enjoy the outcome of your efforts. Everyone knows the value you add to their life. Let life unfold on its own.”

“But the silence is killing me. The ambiguity is making me anxious!”

This is just an excerpt of the conversations I have been having with my tribe. Hitting a new low every week. Frequently breaking down. In the middle of a conversation, in the midst of work...in the middle of pretty much anything. I thought I am becoming everything I have seen a few friends go through. I have been on the other side all this time, holding space for them and often advising them. Today, I am the one stuck in this mental quicksand. How can I be here? I have read a zillion books on awareness, heard podcasts, and been a pillar of strength for many. I know exactly what one needs to do when amid a mental mess. The inability to accept my vulnerability pulled me down even more. My attempt to write this and put it out there is a glimpse of courage that has emerged today. My acceptance of ‘me too’ from a place more human.

Today, as the fog lifted, the sun shone bright, and I looked at the bright blue sky (a rarity in my part of the country), something dawned on me. A realization that made me feel light. I have been dabbling with the concept of attachment for far too long. While I know it’s important to let go, I know it is important to do the hard thing. However, what was more important was MY relationship with toxicity and attachment. I am attached to what is toxic in my environment. First was the realization of this, then the acceptance and the why.

There is a connection between the toxic and me. You have a connection when you have something in common. What is toxic in my environment reflects what is in me. Therefore, the environment is a reflection of you. I have read this concept so many times in Buddhism. Yet the realization of this in my life, seemed like a revelation. Instead of changing what is in the environment, can I look at the toxic commonality between me and the environment and see if I can alter that in me? This can result in 2 paths- either my outlook or the environment will change. In either case the problem and the solution lie in me.

Transforming what you find toxic to your advantage:

Sense of Control versus trust- Control is intoxicating. While being planned and organized is a way of life, an overdose of this can result in control. Therefore, what is it that I can control, and what is it that I can’t? I can control what I DO every day. How I respond and how I act. Beyond this is the universe and the wisdom to let go after you give your best.

What/ Who can I trust? Simple answer- Myself. Trust my abilities, my perspective and my way of being. Those who trust you do it for a reason. More importantly, do you trust yourself?

Power versus empathy- Change the meaning of power for yourself. If power leads to more freedom and makes you thrive then sure, work towards it. If power makes you learn something new, do what makes you feel alive; it’s your fuel. While you are at it, stay true to what you believe in. Belief is rooted in understanding. In being present, good and truly being with people who matter.

Importance versus self-belief- Looking inward to celebrate who you are and the value you add is way more priceless than anything else. It’s not narcissism. Self-belief and knowing your worth emerge from a place of silent confidence and resilience. Those who value you are always rooting for you. Believing in what you know, accepting what you do not know, and be humble to unlearn and learn.

Many find faults in others; what they are finding wrong in others, maybe is emerging from their own shortcomings. #UnderstandingReflections

As I come to the end of this, I remember the me who didn’t bat an eyelid while jumping from a plane last year, who loved the freefall and the smooth sail that came after that. I am that, and I am this too. The freedom to choose who I wish to be each day lies with me.